Ebert and Roeper and America at the movies

my job description is very vague. it includes periods of doing things and periods of not doing things. since where i work is a fairly sterile environment, no ipods or computers are allowed. for some reason, however, we are allowed to keep a dvd player and television inside our building. this is a very mixed blessing due to the fact that not all movies are 'good.' since we usually watch these movies in groups of 10 people or more, the bad ones get torn to shreds. imagine Mystery Science Theater 3000, but instead of a robot, a dude, and an alien, it's a room of aggressive, under-sexed men who may or may not belong in special ed. this running commentary ensures that no exposed breast goes unnoticed, every act of excessive violence is heavily scrutinized, and plots are largely ignored (unless breasts and violence are integral to the storyline).

another factor in the movies we watch is the quality of the disc. we do not purchase actual DVDs as they sometimes cost well over two dollars. instead, we purchase bootleg copies that cost (depending on your haggling skills) anywhere from $free to $2. some of these movies have the laugh tracks provided on comedies, and/orpeople walking to and from their seats. an added bootleg bonus is getting a copy that was filmed by someone with either parkinson's or epilepsy (i do not say this jokingly, but as a statement of fact).

Slumdog Millionaire is the only film that has actually silenced and entertained everyone for it's duration. movies about oppression ('Resistance' starring james bond), infidelity ('Shattered' starring another james bond) crime ('Rock n' Rolla' starring King Leonidas from '300') or violence ('300' also starring King Leonidas from '300') are given more leeway than other films due to their firm grasp on humanity and touching morals.

the aforementioned movies were all very good, and we have watched each one approximately 25 times. we don't just watch the good movies multiple times, however. i have viewed some of the worst garbage to ever make it's way out of a brain and into a DVD player. i will now field some questions from people who read this blog regularly in order to better illustrate just how terrible some of these movies are.

Specialist Turkey Jerky: Matty America, is Boogeyman 2 the worst movie ever made?

Matty America: STJ, i have never seen Boogeyman 2, but i can assure you wholeheartedly that Boogeyman 3 is worse. the film barely gets 4 stars out of 23 (arbitrary rating systems are fun) due to the abundance of braless co-eds.

Scraps: Mr. America, what are your feelings on the plot of Feast 3?

MA: a great question, Scraps, and an easy one to answer. midgets dressed as luchadors, cannibalistic lesbians, KARATE, and men being impregnated with satan-spawn do not constitute a 'plot' per se. 5 stars our of 23 (due mostly to the aforementioned flesh-loving lesbians).

Escort Control: Victor Matty America, is there any way to top the raw tenderness and masculine sexuality of Ryan Reynold's body in The Amityville Horror?

MA: for those of you who aren't aware, this question is rhetorical. Ryan Reynolds is the peak of manhood, and i'm starting to get sad that he stopped returning my calls. 1089 stars out of 23 (one star for every inch of Mr. Reynold's body that i would like to lick in a heterosexual way that signifies respect for his build more than lust)

Freddy Flames: Mr. America, why are you such a great writer? by 'writer,' i mean 'douchebag.'

MA: well fred, i think that you really need to... wait. you can even harass me on my own blog? how did this happen? next question!

90% of my unit: ¿Senor America, cuál es su menos favorito de la película que has visto este despliegue?

MA: what? um. yes, three times. thank you for... gracias por... the question. loco love you.

Spanish word for 'to eat': Matty, is it possible for a movie to be more awful than 'Teeth?'

MA: the short answer, Comer, is 'no.' the long answer is (insane run-on sentence alert) 'a film depicting a young woman who pledges herself to celibacy but ends up having sex with everyone from a friend from camp to her stepbrother despite the fact that she has shark teeth in her vagina that have a habit of lopping off anything that enters said vagina and then actually goes so far as to SHOW the lopped-off offender cannot possibly be any more horrifying.' also, the best acting performance in the movie is turned in by a severed penis. go figure. negative 15 stars out of 23.

that was a quick summation of 9 months of movie watching. if you have any questions about these movies, my blog, my life, or my views on the oxford comma i just used, please email me at MattyAmerica@gmail.com. i will not respond unless you give me your Paypal information.

recap: take what you can get, i didnt mention how much i hate the tv show 'Martin,' dogs eating chopped-off penises have no place in movies.

brushed teeth

since the invention of war, people not participating in the actual military actions have always demonstrated their support for the troops. wearing yellow ribbons during the persian gulf conflict in the early 1990's signified a person's support. post-9/11, american flags were flown over every semi-official building, on every automobile, and served as backgrounds for every news show on television in record numbers. in 2008-2009, the one true symbol of troop support and patriotism has been to send Matty America toothbrushes. apparently i am lacking in the dental hygeine department (photo of Mr. America circa December 2008), and people in droves are trying to subtlely trying to tell me that i need to focus more on brushing than on gargling with soda.

as the years have passed here, so have soldiers' needs. in 2003 i would have gladly traded 50% of my ammunition for a clean pair of socks. after a few months of communicating this need with the people at home, i had actaully amassed enough socks to wear a brand new pair every day (which i did for almost 4 straight months.) in 2005 it took almost 7 months to stem the incredible flow of socks that i was receiving. the one issue was that i had enough socks and was in dire need of snacks. this tour, for whatever reason, has brought with it a glut of toothbrushes and toothpaste.

i am a hygenic person. i shower daily and cannot fall asleep if i havent brushed my teeth. that said, i cannot fathom a use for enough toothbrushes to scrub my teeth, clean my weapon, detail a few cars, throw some at our 'dentally-challenged' soldiers, and still have a few dozen to donate to charity.

i realize i might be coming off as slightly ingrateful, which is not my intent here. i am infinitely appreciative of everything anoyone has sent me. taking the time, effort, and money to mail things halfway around the world is really amazing. there have been a core group of supporters who really make getting mail enjoyable. i am so thankful for the strangers who have gone out of their way to make a difference in my life. i am often so innundated with mail that i give away a good portion of each package (but of course hoarding my favorite things).

it has been my contact with home that has allowed me to push through my tours. i can't imagine having no internet on my bunk now, which means that i am spoiled rotten compared to the rotten conditions in which i lived just 6 years ago. the care packages are my lifeline, and i owe a lot of people thanks for all of the work they put into keeping my morale up. i honestly dont know where id be without turkey jerky, dried fruit, bunnies, socks, and toothbrushes. thank you.

recap: don't send toothbrushes, thanks to al gore for the internet, mmm turkey jerky

bathroom humor

when a person gets deployed, there are many creature comforts that are violently removed from their lives. these are things most civilians take for granted on a daily basis, and it is hard to even notice them until they are gone. having a personal vehicle (people in the states might refer to them as 'cars'), getting to decide what you are having for a meal, being able to choose your outfit for a day, and not having to walk 200 feet to use the bathroom.

this last issue is most troublesome for me. i have seen the accommodations in iraq improve from a hole in the ground that i dug every afternoon to relatively spacious metal boxes complete with two windows. the bathroom situation has gone from a hole that you dug whenever the need arose to having actual toilets and sinks. the reason i don't see this as a massive improvement (i know it is, but bear with me here) is because the holes that i dug were at my convenience while the facilities here are a 20-second sprint from my bed (up to 45 seconds if i can't figure out how to operate the lock on my door due to limited amounts of sleep).

the closest place to (legally) relieve myself is a port-o-potty that smells like bleach, feces, and cigarette butts. this pungent trio never fails to make me retch and roll my eyes. the actual bathroom stalls arent much better, but have much more entertaining material scrawled on the walls. you can find everything from scathing commentary on my chain of command (El Chupa, anyone?) and email addresses for what i am assuming are homosexual rendezvous. also of note: the stains, scents, and the abundance of mysterious hairs.

the shower trailers are perfect in theory, but are poorly maintained. they appear to be cleaned regularly, but retain remnants of every person who has used them in the past 4 years. the floors are always soaking wet, leading to embarrassing slips and the occasional sprawled-out naked guy who always happens to be in the way of getting to your towel. the shower heads break, on average, every 100 minutes. the most puzzling of all the shower mysteries is how people neglect to take their undergarments with them. there is always a pair of Hanes sitting on the floor, marinating au jus.

i dont mean to sound like an ingrate, but i would rather have something less 'nice' in favor of something more hygenic and better-maintained. call me picky or 'clean,' but the 4-foot saudis or malasians or whoever they are need to start working harder for the 43 cents we pay them to clean our shit, puke, and piss off of the floors of our bathrooms.

recap: bathroom sprints suck, dont touch the Hanes, pay raise to 45 cents DENIED

man is it HOT today!

if you have ever been surprised by the wave of heat that ripples out of an oven as you open the door, then you know what iraq feels like. today was the second consecutive day off 100 degree-plus temperatures, and we're only 2/3 of the way done with april. the heat lasts from mid-april until the middle of november, and it is constant. there are no cloudy days, no rain, no reprive from the brutal sun and hot winds.

while your brain sizzles under a ballistic helmet, the core of your body is being superheated by the kevlar and ceramic in your body armor. long sleeve shirts over tshirts, long pants and boots add to your personal sauna. the sweat runs down your face, in your eyes, and soaks everything youre wearing. everything that is normally annoying becomes an awful experience. typical hydration for me is about 4 quarts of water per hour that i am not in air conditioning.

intresting fact: no matter what you are doing, you talk about the heat. it is an unavoidable and completely acceptable topic. Example:

Matty America: ... put his whole hand in! can you believe it?

Specialist Kipping: it's fucking HOT.

MA: i wasn't talking about that, but yeah. i need some cold water.

SK: grab one for me, too? im sweating my sack off.

MA: man... it's HOT.

as you can see, it is a rare social occasion where whining actually constitutes an entire conversation. mentioning specific body parts that happen to be perspiring an inordinate amount is also acceptable. mentioning how good other males look while drenched in sweat is not specifically covered under Clinton's "dont ask dont tell" policy, thereby allowing us some room to explore exciting vagaries in army regs.

the key to survival here is hydration. approximately 2/3 of the water i have consumed in my life has been in iraq. you can tell immediately that youre getting closer to falling over dead from heat stroke when you get spotty vision and a very dull but painful headache. we keep our water in large insulated bins full of ice, and it is quite refreshing as long as you dont leave it out for more than 5 minutes. after that time is up, it has already attained the temperature of the air around it, and can actually burn your mouth to drink. conversation after imbibing scalding liquid sounds something like this:

Staff Sergeant Senile: AHH! it burned my lips! it's so hot!

Matty America: it's really hot out. the water is hot, and it's hot out.

SSS: man, it is so hot, i have a river running down my asscrack.

MA: wow. it is really hot out. i mean SERIOUSLY hot out.

SSS: its really hot, and my water is really hot. tomorrow is supposed to be hot, too.

MA: uh-huh. yesterday was hot, too.

that conversation has hours of potential that i won't dive into. for the full transcript, buy me four drinks when i get home and i will gladly tell you anything you want to hear.

recap: iraq is hot, water can get hot, iraq gets really hot, sweaty guys look better even to other guys.

let me be brief

this picture has nothing to do with my blog, but i love it.

information in the army is a tricky thing. the world's largest game of telephone happens between people wearing uniforms every day. this double-edged sword is one of the most interesting parts of the army to me. on one hand, it greatly helps with little things. an example:

Matty America: there is a formation at 1630 to discuss new procedures.

Soldier: it was canceled.

MA: really?

Soldier: yeah i heard it's at 1745 and it's an inspection.

MA: who told you that?

Soldier: i... i dont remember.

as you can see, this process is much easier than, say, using carrier pigeons. birds tend to get lost or sidetracked by shiny things whereas soldiers will come straight to you and tell you that another soldier was looking for you. you will, of course, never see this other soldier because they were not aware that you didn't know.

since there is very little rhyme or reason as to who gives you information, it can come from very surprising sources. i have learned more about timelines and events from CNN than from my unit since getting mobilized 10 months ago. finding out about your upcoming from the inside of a bathroom stall is not completely out of the question.

this also segues nicely into another one of the army's favorite pastimes: spreading rumors. if i hear that 10 people are needed to wake up early and perform a Meaningless Army Task (MAT), i am obligated under Army Regulation 450-7 to tell my friends that there is a good chance that we will be having a room inspection in addition to performing the MAT. this will cause them to lose some morale and then concoct an even more skewed version of this tale to pass on to other people. this is the most detrimental to motivation when it involves projected dates for returning home from a deployment.

the army combats rumors through giving a surplus of useless information. this is given out en masse in briefings, which are the mental equivalent of waterboarding (too soon?). the army sits around thinking of ways to put soldiers to sleep and then yell at them for going to sleep. the 21st century has brought about many useful tools in ways to bore it's troops. the number one sleeping aid perscribed by the army is Powerpoint, which, when coupled with dry military information, can cause even the most severe insomniac to be counting sheep within minutes. briefings, as per military law, are not allowed to be informative:

Captain Obvious: today i will be giving blocks of instruction (read: classes) on proper liquid soap to body surface ratios, clipped toenail disposal policy, and the 37-step process to properly identifying types of gravel. we will then break for 10 minutes -

Sergeant First Class Lumpyhead: excuse me sir, i just want to tell everyone that if you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, have some integrity and stand up. go ahead, sir.

CO: These are important classes, and no one here can afford to miss a word of any of this. i will now read verbatim every powerpoint slide that pops up. with any luck, we should be done here by early May.

SFC L: sir, might i also add that when i was a private, we didnt get classes on gravel identification processes, and i dont think i'm half the soldier i could have been because of it.

these classes and briefings are usually a result of higher-ranking people feeling bad about making so much money while doing so little. they want to 'give back' to the troops via briefings, and the longer they talk (obviously) the more effective the briefing was. id love to tell you more, but i need to go find out about our training schedule from a port-o-potty.

recap: birds get sidetracked, powerpoi...zzzz, bathrooms are smart.

i dont know, sergeant

i know that many of you have literally been holding your breath since i mentioned that i was up for the Non-Commissioned Officer of the Month. i studied. i did two practice boards. i cleaned my gear. i blogged about it. i stopped caring 3 days ago.

that last bit of information was the most important for me. instead of staying up for 5 days straight, i just decided that i knew enough not to get laughed at and figured i would wing the rest. to tell you a little bit about boards, they are required for advancement while serving on active duty. you get 'promotion points' for them, which, much like an arcade, can be redeemed for sweet prizes. in the national guard, the best-case scenario is that you walk out of the board smiling and maybe get a piece of paper saying that youre an awesome dude.

to me, the most interesting part of studying for the board was finding out just how vast the information the army compiles is. every piece of paper has a Department of the Army (DA) form number, and every manual has an appropriate Field Manual (FM) number. memorizing appropriate form numbers, manual titles, training plans, sub-categories of silly details. i can honestly tell you the main idea of 99% of the stuff, but cant recite it verbatim. if there are seven steps to _______, i will remember 4 and they will be out of order. i skip parts that i deem 'silly' (what is the definition of 'motivation?' who cares, it's when people are happy and shit. next question.) and move on to things that interest me (is that episode of 30 rock done downloading?).

there were a total of 8 people going to the board today, four soldiers and four NCOs. the soldiers went first while i worked on my hand and neck tan outside. two and a half hours later, i was up. i wish that i hadnt had to turn in my Nerves of Steel (FM 17-10) at the end of my first tour. i took a deep breath and remembered that i was pretty much just there for fun. i was risking nothing and had nothing to gain.

believe it or not, there is actually an army procedure for knocking on the door before entering a board. i did all of the little stuff right and was told to take a seat and 'relax,' which means that i was allowed to sit with my feet up to 12 inches apart, sitting up straight, with my hands kept on my knees. i was very relaxed and doing really well when, out of nowhere, the board started. i relied heavily on my army training in the lethal field of Sergeant in Charge of Total and Utter Bullshit, and before i knew it, i was walking out the door.

realizing it was over, i let the iraqi sun heat up my armor and face. smiling, i walked back to my room and promptly passed out. this was the last real hurdle of my army career, and i didnt let myself down.

recap: board today, the army is an arcade, DA form 23101, stress-free

the truth about the lies

This guy has an IQ of 89, drives a pickup, chews tobacco, and hunts marine vegetation in his spare time.

you've all seen them; pictures of soldiers with camo face paint, ominously pointing the muzzle of their weapon at an unseen enemy just off-camera. only posters recruiting for special ops teams can pull this off effectively, but for some reason everyone who enlists seems to want to emulate the feelings these snapshots evoke. whether their job in the army is 'Bullet Sponge' as some infantryman like to call themselves or one of the lower REMF's (Rear-Echelon Mother...), everyone is entitled to take badass pictures of themselves.

i am as guilty of this as anyone, though my army posturing days ground to a halt half a decade ago. everyone knows that i have guns. everyone knows that i wear a uniform. why beat it into people's gray matter? the reason is simple: as a collective, the army has to uphold it's image. if my friends back home see pictures of me flexing for the camera while holding a military firearm, they naturally assume that death and destruction are the first two words in my job description. no one in the military wants the job i have here. it is not glamorous and will never give someone a chance to earn a medal of honor. i'm content with that, but some of the guys here on their first deployment will return home lacking a single story that would ever end up in a book or made-for-TV movie.

facts aside, we are still a hardcore group of combat veterans. we need to propegate visions of bayonetting our way through entrenched insurgents in the people at home. the best way to do to that is through photography. if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a picture of a soldier sans smile holding a gun is worth a thousand blogs. since no one knows exactly what is going on behind the camera, your mind runs wild: 'is he about to take an Al Queda stronghold wearing nothing but a wifebeater?' 'did his roommate just finish off his multigrain tostitos?' 'when is the next episode of 30 Rock going to be available for download?'

the blame (there is no culprit here, i just feel like pointing fingers) rests squarely on the shoulders of civilians. since civilians arent connected with the military, they will eat up any scrap of information no matter how ridiculous. if i said that the army was running operations in britain to knock off overzealous Tea and Crumpet Barons, you would be surprised that you hadnt read about it in the newspaper. if i mentioned casually that i was air-dropped into the persian gulf and brought to shore by Navy seals (the animals, not the badasses), you would think that my job is pretty nifty. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with this, and admit that a lot of things that we do in the army are really cool (explosions never get old to me as long as i am safe. you haven't lived until you've felt the concussion of high-explosive rounds being fired at a rate of 10 per second). i am also not trying to tell you that there is such a thing as a worthless mission or silly job in the army (yes i am). just know that things are not always what they are made out to be, especially if the Army is involved.

recap: flex, pose, lie, when IS the next episode of 30 rock coming out, i want trained seals.